The Tiger Takeaway

The Tiger Woods saga-scandal continues this week, and by week’s end it’s safe to say none of us will be surprised to see another mistress – or ten – emerge. I have a day job that keeps me busy, but exploring the kaleidoscope of topics that come with the Tiger Woods story has become pretty much my favorite pastime of late. (Because face it, folks. Running sucks.)

Enter my old Mizzou pal Drew, who I affectionately call Drewbie, because I like to add an “ee” sound at the end of “ee” appropriate names. (This is also Matty’s plight.) Usually I complain to him about my fantasy team. Today we talked Tiger. A lot. Here are Drew’s various takeaways from Tiger’s tale of woe, conveniently in a somewhat chronological form.

1.) Tiger in accident? Yikes.

When the crash first happened it was serious news. The reaction was, oh my gosh, Tiger has been in a major accident. Then it was a minor accident. Then we learn his wife had to punch out windows to free him. This sounds curious on its face. How does that skinny woman pull a large guy out of a large car?

Then you find out he hit a tree and fire hydrant. The second reaction here is, this is not a good story for GM. “GM is always telling me about its ON STAR system, but a it appears a disembodied voice did not talk, assume control of car and call for safety,” Drew says.

2.) Getting to Know Tiger

This guy so closely guarded his private life that he refused to reveal what beverage he chose to drink out of the Ryder Cup upon winning it. But suddenly, because of this rapidly unfolding scandal, we get to know Tiger! After the accident, we learn about call from neighbor.

“Oh snap! Tiger has a black neighbor! I didn’t think this guy would have black person living within twenty miles of him, and he has a black guy living right next to him,” Drew says.

But think about it a little harder. Tiger lives on some sort of estate, right? Whatever happened must have happened in a loud, spectacular way in order for the neighbor to know about it and call 911.

3.) The Discovery of Infidelity and/or Domestic Violence

OK, why did wife Elin need to bash in a window, really? The idea of domestic violence enters the picture. WHAT is it that she is pissed off about? Then we learn the National Enquirer has an infidelity story. (This is around the time I become a regular reader of TMZ.com, which really became the go-to blog for the latest Tiger information.) Now, I know there are some areas in which the National Enquirer cannot be trusted, but for the record I believed them on that John Edwards love child story from the beginning. Here we were again with a powerful guy with mistress story, it was safe for both Drew and myself to follow their reporting. Especially if we were reloading TMZ most of the time, anyhow.

“Then we find out another crucial fact,” Drewbie points out. “That Tiger likes women. Tiger is such a neutral, emotionless, passionless robot most of the time that I had no idea that he had cravings of the flesh! That he was into carnage! You see other athletes and their performance and you get the idea that this or that guy owns his masculinity, has a swagger to him. Tiger had none of that going on.”

4.) Lesson Learned: Scandinavian women are not to be messed with.

“The more this story comes together, the more you realize this is not the heroic act of a wife,” Drew continues.

In fact, I think this is about the time in our conversation when Drew referenced something like 5,000 years of Viking fury that beat Tiger within an inch of his life. She deserves our respect for holding her husband accountable with a big stick.

5.) Women out of the woodwork

This is the part of the story where I can’t really keep up because I’ve been editing video or calling sources or otherwise doing something productive (not that this is not a fascinating and legitimate story in its own right). OK so let’s review. The first mistress woman denies any affairs, but immediately hires LA power attorney Gloria Allred. It seems mistress #1 won’t be saying anything to us.

Hotness

Enter the second one, Jaimee Grubbs. “She’s my favorite of the ten or eleven women,” Drew says. “If you wanted to brand the kind of woman that Tiger likes, you could say it in one word: Grubbs. That is exactly what he is after. This is the one who’s previous claim to fame was being on the VH1 show, “Tool Academy.  I love that. She’s clearly intent on building on the Jamie Grubbs brand. She immediately takes her story public. Not only have a slept with Tiger Woods, I have the electronic paper trail to prove it. And my god, if this voicemail message isn’t the greatest thing ever.” (Listening to it is better.)

Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.

This is Tiger truly speaking from the heart. Not some sort of practiced statement. We’re learning not only of his neighbor, but of his game. Game-game, not golf game.  “And the directions that she’s giving this woman. How does that help him out at all? This is clearly the ramblings of a desperate man.” This is the part where Drew felt sympathetic for Tiger, in the same way we all kinda felt sympathetic for Mark Sanford after all those nonsense love letters came out.  “No man should have to read his love letters in the newspaper,” Drew says.

I’m not sure this was the part where I felt bad for Tiger. I don’t really feel that bad for him, as I feel all the intrigue right now is partly his own doing by a.)protecting his privacy so fiercely that now EVERYTHING we learn about him is somehow a shocking revelation and b.) He’s the one who hooked up with all those women and betrayed his family. We can debate the need for marriage as an institution and the lack of merits for marriage in modern times, etc etc, but if dude wanted more freedom, he didn’t HAVE TO get married and have babies. Nevermind c.) The guy’s a public figure.

6.) Feeding Frenzy

Grubbs is the first to go public and go for the cash grab. BTW, it’s amazing she kept every voicemail and other communication because it shows she was prepared for this moment since she met Tiger. Clearly, this pisses off mistress #1. Press conference at 2:30pm.

While we’re waiting for all that, something like three or four women come out, “each one getting progressively worse on the hotness scale” (his words, not mine).  All of them fit the standard Grubbs archetype: the Vegas cocktail waitress, barmaid, nightclub hostess. Tiger has certainly pegged a certain type of women.

“When he feels down, [NFL quarterback] Vince Young watches 2006 national college football championship to remind himself who he is. Maybe Tiger should have done that. Maybe he should have put in the tape of the 1997 Masters or the 2008 PGA Championship. You have a billion dollar [part of the male anatomy] and you are effing these dollar store [something that rhymes with no’s]. He went very low down on the food chain,” Drew says.

Which bring us to…the woman from Perkins the pie restaurant.

“To be TIGER WOODS and to take your wife to a place where the golf course greenskeeper employees dont take their wives to eat, seems a bit odd to me To take youre swedish supermodel wife to Perkins for breakfast regularly?”

7.) Assorted takeaways

Tiger crashes into a fire hydrant in the middle of the night and now we get to learn all kinds of stuff about the guy within a period of two weeks. These are things we never assumed. Now we know he as a black neighbor. He likes cheap women, easy women. He likes to meet them in Vegas or in Perkin’s. And I also know that Tiger has an allergy to condoms. There’s no excuse for why this guy did not know better. And if your “game” is repeatedly cheating on your wife and subsequently maintaining regular relationships with the mistresses, just to cover his trail he should have covered up.  Just to be safe!

“That had me distressing. That had me jumping to conclusions about why mom went to the hospital,” said Drew.

Meanwhile, what do we make of the kind of women Tiger has been cavorting around with? YOU ARE TIGER WOODS. Shouldn’t we expect Woods to be hanging out with Rihanna?

8.) The Rise of Tabloids

So to review, this is a news story, a gossip story, a sports story, and it’s a business story because the guy’s a global brand. He’s the governor of a billion dollar enterprise. It’s everything. That latex allergy thing was when the wheels of this story really came off for me, but who knows what we can believe? We’re all trusting news organizations that PAY for their sources and stories. This is troubling for us as journalists who do not pay for news in a host of ways, which we can probably save for a separate post.

But quickly here – as journalists who don’t pay, we play other cards to get information, like cunning. Or the put-truth-before-your-own-self-interests card. The News of the World and Enquirer and even US Weekly, from what I understand, they play the we’ll-give-you-$150,000 card. This is why the Associated Press only acknowledges the first two mistresses and is holding off on the last seven, cause they can’t independently confirm them. If you can’t source it you have to say, “the Daily News has added these people, etc.” How do you stay in a story without opeining your wallet? All these outlets are paying.

9.) Looking Ahead: Are we in David Duchovny territory?

“Jaimee Grubbs is… I’m sorry. I could get with Jaimee Grubbs,” Drew says. “The fact that Tiger did this… Tiger and I should not be competing for the same pool of women.”

3 thoughts on “The Tiger Takeaway

  1. I can’t get enough of this. My house is a disaster. Screw the chores! I have to read dirty stories about Tiger!!!

    I don’t feel a bit sorry for him. He takes $100 million a year to be touted as the Ultimate Man. Not just a great golfer. The Ultimate Man. That includes not drinking $1,500 worth of booze a night, popping Ambien and Vicodin, and screwing Perkins’ waitresses.

    Armchair shrinking…but it seems that it’s bad on the psyche to be overly-controlled or overly-controlling. Perhaps since most of his life was so heavily regimented, he needed to spank dirty whores in church parking lots in order to feel like he had any free will at all. I still don’t feel sorry for him, but could explain his actions.

    Also, it was really nice of Dirty Whore #3 to tell the world that although he likes “rough, desperate sex,” which includes hair pulling and spanking, he has a big wanker. At least he’s got that going for him.

    And, if you haven’t already seen it, you should check out Herm Edwards’ rant on Tiger, which is now on YouTube. He couldn’t be any more right.

    Now, I have to stop typing so I can go check out the latest juice on TMZ.

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  2. The best video on this thing is the Taiwanese news station’s CGI recreation of the Tiger car accident. You’ve got to check it out on YouTube. My armchair shrink analysis is that there’s a huge gap between how the world sees him and how he’s seen himself. There’s no way a self assured person goes of and bangs these particular women, at that quantity, without some degree of confusion about who he is/what he wants.

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